In the 4th grade, I had two best friends with whom I played at the back of the playground during recess. One Monday, my Korean Christian “best friend” asked me what I did on Sunday. I don’t remember what my answer was, but it did not involve church.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I’m not Christian.”
Eleven-year-old me was raised Hindu, and I still am. For those of you who don’t know, Hinduism is the world’s oldest religion and the third largest religion behind Christianity and Islam. Hindus believe that God exists and that all human beings are divine. Hindus also believe in the importance of religious harmony among all things. Our religious place of worship is called a Temple, and the word for “temple” is different depending on what your native Indian language is.
Back to the story: It’s Monday at recess, and my “best friend’s” response to my recollection of my Sunday was, “You didn’t go to Church?” and I say, “No, I’m not Christian, I’m Hindu.” To which my “friend” replied, “If you’re not a Christian, you’re going to go to hell!”
Eleven-year-old me was shocked. How could someone so affirmatively declare what was going to happen to ME in the afterlife? Who died and made her Queen? But all my eleven-year-old self could blurt out was “Nooo I’m not!!!” Being told I was going to go to hell felt isolating and hurtful. I didn’t know what to do with this information.
When Silence Becomes “Acting Out”
As a therapist, I look back at that eleven-year-old version of myself and see a child who lacked the “blueprint” to express a very complex set of emotions. When teens today encounter moments of isolation, judgment, or cultural disconnect, they often don’t have the words to say, “I feel marginalized,” or “That comment hurt my sense of identity.”
Instead, that internal “freak out” often manifests as acting out. It looks like slamming doors, oppositional behavior, or withdrawing entirely. When we don’t have the chutzpah—or the vocabulary—to explain our background or defend our boundaries, the pressure builds up until it explodes.
The “Warthog” Moment: Parental Impact
When I went home that day, I asked my Dad if we were going to hell when we die. My Dad, who is the opposite of Mr. Rogers when it comes to explaining things to children, told me that as Hindus, we don’t believe in hell. Whew! What a relief!
But then he proceeded to tell me that Hindus believe heaven and hell are all here on earth, served out through cycles of reincarnation. He said, “When each life ends, our souls come back in other living things like a spider, a cockroach or… a warthog.”
Eleven-year-old Tejal was freaking the F out! My Dad sensed my fear and tried to walk backwards from this landmine by saying, “Maybe you will come back as a bird.”
Creating a Modern Blueprint for Your Teen
To my parents’ credit, there wasn’t a blueprint on how to handle these questions. The great immigration cycle of Indians from India started in 1965, less than 100 years ago. Up until recently, there weren’t many children’s books or regular temple activities to teach young Indian American children about their culture and religion.
If you are raising a teen who is struggling to express their emotions without acting out, consider these steps to help them build their own blueprint:
- Validate the “Internal Freak Out”: Acknowledge that feeling misunderstood or judged is a legitimate source of anger.
- Provide the Language: Help them find the words for their experience before they feel the need to use their actions.
- Build the Blueprint Together: Like I am doing with my own family, work with your teen to define your values and culture so they have a “rebuttal” or an explanation of their own to share with the world.
That experience in the 4th grade really shaped me. It empowered me to learn more about my culture and religion. Even though I’m still afraid of coming back as a warthog in my next life, I’m doing my best to write a blueprint that works for me and our family.
If your teen is struggling to find their voice, we are here to help.
Ready to start the conversation?
Schedule a consultation with Be Well Therapy today.
